The Journey I've Been On

I have no idea where the desire to write this came from. I am not sure if I feel I owe people an explanation of the person I am, or whether it is simply the old 'you never really understand something unless you can articulate it to someone else'. Probably a bit of both.

Anyway, for the first time in a long while, I think recently I have successfully gained some insight into my state of mind and understanding of certain behaviours of recent times. 

When I was growing up, and throughout my teens, I was very much a happy go lucky sorta person. I didn’t really overthink things, I was content in my own company, and I guess just a bit of a wonderer. It’s only now I recognise how lucky I was growing up in such a calm state of mind that didn’t know how certain anxieties could manifest themselves into my everyday. There was a time where I barely recognised that person. 

From about the age of 19/20, a series of events begun to unfold that would eventually leave me feeling quite numb.  I’m not talking about anything drastic, just the usual happenings of someone in their early twenties discovering who and what they are, and making a catalogue of mistakes in everyday judgements. Bad decisions, being hurt, and hurting people. These things slowly made my life feel like it was spiralling further away from my control and I found happiness in ways that I no longer recognise as such a source. Finishing uni and leaving education for the first time meant being out on my own for the first time. It meant no structure, no norm and no framework to measure myself against for success. It was terrifying and I never gave myself the time to consider what I wanted ... I just allowed myself to float wherever the current took me. 

And then I hit a point where I felt so out of touch with my body and my self that I lost the person I thought I was. I felt totally unaffected by life, and failed to see how my actions could and would hurt other people. I felt overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. I felt there were too many options but also nowhere near enough. I forgot about all the things that made me, me. 

Over the last 12 months I have undergone a journey, in both the physical and mental sense of the word. It all begun during my three months in Lumuli, a rural village in Tanzania where things were stripped back and I had no choice but to face my mind which I had ignored for too long. I was made to question my decisions, my way of life, my happiness, sadness, and it hurt. I wrote every night for three months and I am yet to read back through it. Something happened to me during those three months that seemed to clear the mist in my mind and instead filled me up with intense and, most importantly, real emotions. 

When I returned home, I then spent 9 months working in a job where I rediscovered how much compassion and love my heart could hold, and found my thoughts shifting whole heartedly to the wellbeing of others. I found comfort in routine, for the first time in my adult life, and I found myself reconnecting with people I had accidentally run away from. I fell in love with exercise again, and pushed my body to new physical limits I’d never previously reached. My family and friends became at the centre of my universe once again, and, all at the same time, I become a huge, huge worrier. 

It’s like, everything I had previously pushed from my mind came back and meddled into my thoughts without any right to be there. I guess this felt like something I had to go through in order to become comfortable with the person I am. These worries were often unjustified and, quite frankly, bloody annoying. I found things literally whirling round and round my head, pointlessly stealing energy they had no need to take.  

Since travelling, for the first time, I have had the time to listen to my mind properly. Shifts in the energy in my body have become so acute that I can physically feel the affect a cup of coffee has on my mindset. I can notice things change as I consume just a single beer, and sometimes I don’t enjoy it. So I stop. I feel so in-tune with my body, more aligned with my thoughts than I realised possible, and am finally starting to find contentment in, at times, doing very little. 

I don’t think I believe this state of mind to be sustainable. I am aware I am in the very fortunate position to be living a simple and beautiful life. Where I can sleep when I’m tired, run when I’m energetic, chat when I’m sociable and lie quietly when I’m feeling peaceful. What I hope is that when I come home, and normal life once again is resumed, I can find a way to successfully balance these energies to maintain this feeling of happiness. I hope I can listen to my body, give credit to my feelings, and feel wholeheartedly throughout everyday activities. I hope I can continue to manage any overthinking that occurs but without becoming thoughtless and numb. 

Throughout this journey, there has been one constant that I cannot fail to hold accountable for a huge part of my changing state of mind. The person that I have embarked on this trip to see the world with, who I met in a time where I was feeling a little lost, and who has lightened up my life in too many ways to mention. I now know that happiness is something I have to find from within myself, but Butty has most definitely given me as much external joy that there could possibly be. I have no doubt that this external happiness has influenced where I am to the highest degree possible. 

So here I am. Feeling more myself than I have in the last five years. Feeling happy with the person I have become and excited for what’s ahead. I think we live in a time where we are all so critical of ourselves and sometimes that comes across in strange ways. Being kind to ourselves leads to actually liking the person we are, and when that point is reached then we indadvertedly spread so much love and positivity. 

I am grateful. Grateful for so many things and right now, that feels like a very inviting state of mind to stay in. ❤️