Life Lessons From 'A Life Discarded' by Alexander Masters

"Can see it undetermined what I will become - 

1. a personality, a writer of merit, perhaps even fame

2. moderately successful normal person 

3. a lonely, embittered spinster, whom no one likes, & who has got nowhere in life - me, with all my dreams & hopes." (Age 18)

With only a week left of our travels, our plans mostly consist of soaking up the sun, chilling out and watching the world go by. Of course, I can't actually do that without increasing irritability as the minutes tick by, so went on a mission to stock up on some good reading material. Unfortunately nothing in the local used book shops really caught my eye, so I headed back to our room empty handed.

It was just by chance that I noticed a small selection of books sat by the check-in desk and felt instantly drawn to a bright white paperback entitled 'A Life Discarded'.

After settling down next to the pool, new book in hand, I soon realised this was going to be one of those "cannot put down" instances. Not exactly my usual choice, A Life Discarded documents the quest undertaken by author Alexander Masters to reveal the true identity of some anonymous diary entries found discarded in a tip in 2001.

'Some' diaries would be an understatement - it was actually 148 diaries, dating back to as early as the 1950s, and all written by the same person who we come to know as 'I'.

Masters takes us on a journey of his discoveries of who 'I' really is, why the diaries had ended up thrown in a skip, and why this person had felt the need to dedicate at least 90 minutes of their life EVERYDAY (from the age of 13) sprawling their thoughts and feelings into the array of notebooks and planners.

As the mystery deepened with each page that I read, I became completely immersed into finding out who 'I' really was. So much so, in fact, that I devoured all 258 pages in just 24 hours.

When I finished the book, I felt disappointed. I was waiting for some big reveal; maybe the person was actually famous and this was an insight into their pre-fame thoughts. I think my apprehension was certainly enhanced by the "astounding final revelation" promised to us in the blurb.

But, no. 'I' was just Laura Francis. A lady who, born in 1939, grew up with wild aspirations and a notion she would in someway become an artist - perhaps a writer, a painter, maybe she would write an opera. She had a confidence about her abilities that more than bordered on arrogance. Laura was eccentric, dramatic, and seemingly child-like and naive. By the time we meet the now 80 year old woman at the end of book, we have witnessed the slow deterioration of the enthusiastic girl she once was. Her diary entries become withdrawn, lonely, and eventually become centred only around the TV programmes she watches and reflections of the life she thought she'd have.

After some time reflecting on the book, I realised that it was, in fact, the ordinary nature of this woman and her life, that made the book the thought provoking affair that it is. If you don't mind vagueness, a large amount of subjectivity, and the sporadic nature in which Masters unravels Laura's life then this book provides some remarkable insight into the universal human hunt for happiness.

From A Life Discarded, I interpreted two themes which were of particular importance and interest to me.

The first is that of desire and ambition, dreams and hopes. We all tend to live more fearlessly, more daringly, in the years before an older self that inevitably awaits steals  away our ideas. As children, we have this fairytale dream of what our lives will look like - some of us wanted to become astronauts, many wanted to win an olympic medal. We may have held onto these dreams for a short time, or a long time. We may have taken no steps at all in achieving them or we may have given up after a few attempts and realising perhaps it isn't possibly attainable. We may still be chasing those ambitions today, with the expectation that they will sprinkle our lives with happiness and fulfilment.

But what most of us do have in common, in our adult lives, are feelings of regret, a lack of something, and a longing for more. We find ourselves increasingly unhappy in the desperately relentless search for happiness. Ironic, isn't it? Laura spent the majority of her life unhappy, because she hadn't achieved the things she had once dreamed off. This is a woman who spent her entire life unsuccessfully trying to understand her reasons for failure. It is frustrating and painful to read.

Whilst we may end up doing things far from what we envisioned, it is so important not to overlook the life that we inadvertently find ourselves in. By taking away that constant feeling of regret or failure, we are likely to find a new kind of happiness - perhaps better described as tranquility or peace - that differs enormously to the ideas we had back in the days of pirate ships and make belief.

We need to stop relentlessly chasing sometimes. Before it's too late, look around and appreciate the things in your life that make you happy. Be honest, and then do more of that thing. Wherever your life is heading, whatever things you 'failed' or 'missed' - stop beating yourself up and instead embrace all that makes you smile.

"Oh, glorious blaze of the imaginative world! Would like to enter into it again and write, write, write; only stopping for meals or a walk, as I used to. A pity that I cannot allow myself to to do that now - the material business of everyday life has to be seen to. I have nothing to say. " (age 25). 

"I who am always young will inevitably be old" (aged 18)

The second thing I took from this interesting little book, is the power that human beings can have in manipulating, ruining, or ending each other's goals. 

We routinely hear of a character called 'E' throughout the book, who we presume to be Laura's not-very-nice boyfriend. E continually puts Laura down, in the exact same capacity that 'he' can lift her up and elate her. We see how Laura places E in such high regard through the things 'he' says, his accomplishments and confidence. Laura spends 35 years in love with E. She doesn't ever marry, despite nothing happening between her and E that equates to more than an emotional affair. The fact that E turns out to be both female, and 50 years her senior, isn't even the most shocking aspect of the book. Laura's absolute adoration of E, who it turns out is a piano teacher and goes by the name of Elsa, dictates a huge proportion of her decisions in life and subsequently sees her loose sight of the person she believed herself to be as a teenager. Even as an older lady, where quiet acceptance replaces Laura's self despair, she still cannot see how blindsided she had been by Elsa (who turns out to be a fraud, who pushes her own failures onto a young, impressionable girl whom she entices and lures through  her musical abilities).

It made me think.... who really has ANY right to tell us what to do? Or more accurately, what we can't do. Even the most strong-minded, levelheaded or emotionally instinctive people can find themselves smothered in inexplainable weakness for other human beings. Human beings that may well be frauds, liars, or just delusional. Our lives can become dictated by the 'advise' of someone with 'our best interests at heart'. For it is through people that we become our most vulnerable selves. The attraction we feel to certain beings, be it love, infatuation, obsession, adoration, jealousy, lust; it's our Achilles Heel. The chink in our armour. We can become blinded by those we hold in regard, losing sight of the things that we have poured energy and emotion into because of a disapproving frown. And we almost NEVER see it in our own lives, in the here and now. Perhaps, at best, in hindsight. It reminded me, through the heart-breaking story that is Lucy Francis' life, that no one is qualified to know what another is destined for. 

"It is rather as if I were on my bicycle - bicycling along merrily, and then a car passes too close, so that I wobble; so that if I'm not careful, I'll fall off all together, out of fright. That is an analogy - E's criticisms being the passing car" (age 35)

In summary, the book reminded me of the importance of chasing our dreams, being optimistic - but if we change our minds, or 'life' happens, or we just find ourselves somewhere else entirely, that is okay.  Instead of counting our regrets, we should observe the happiness we've found in these alternative paths, not allowing the judgments of another to be the reasons we don't do something. It just so happens that Laura's diaries, used solely for documenting her frustrations, an outlet for her despair, are what led to her achieving her original notion that:

"I'll have something published sometime in my life - either artwork, or written work, or both; it is inevitable, really, even if hard-won" (age 25)